hey, ASSHOLE.

some people are NOT a pair, believe it or not.

so... for the first time in a long time, i actually see a couple old "friends" online. so I thought, what the hell, i'd see how they're doing... silly me. I almost forgot that INCONSIDERATE is the word of the month. damn you all. don't associate me with anyone. me and chrissy are not like peanut butter and jelly. we're not bread and butter. we're not macaroni and cheese. we're not mashed potatoes and gravy. we're not a fucking pair. when I ask HI, HOW ARE YOU. I politely expect a HI, How are you? in return. NOT a, hi, have you talked to chrissy lately? don't get me wrong here. I'm thrilled I HAVE talked to Chrissy lately. but - damn - OUCH. I can't even have a conversation with someone about my life and their life without everyone else's life coming up too. It just hurts my feelings. is that me being selfish? or is that me being something else. hmm...

I miss the voice of John Mc. I miss Mike's hugs. I miss spending time with Mark, even if it was silent. Just his company in itself was comforting. I miss my friendship with Bill. I miss hanging out at Perkins till 4 a.m. Instead of sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself. I miss too much too often. I can't wait for Mikey to get here. Hopefully he can find gas and be on his way soon. He helps me find me. does that make sense? He makes sense of me and understands when nobody else does.

i went thru a photo album the other day. i threw away things i didn't want to keep anymore. i threw away a lot of stuff. Mike still has all my old stuff. i'm glad i didn't throw that stuff away.

i'm just rambling now. nobody really cares about what garbage i have crammed into photo albums...

don't cha ever think about what could have been. what things would be like if you made different decisions in the past? i think i'm a geek.

i don't know what's going to happen with my life.

hopefully i'll be happy soon.

are you happy?

i'm not sure anymore.

i work in cleveland 2morrow and wednesday. wish me luck.

somebody talk to me.